Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
