Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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