Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We need to get me chipped asap
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
