Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
