I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize