would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
