Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The Olympian is in my bed
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
