Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize