dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
