I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We were destined to go to rehab together
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
