he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
