make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He? As in you personified your dick?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
