Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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