Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
