I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
