I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
