i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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