i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
