The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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