the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
