i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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