Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize