Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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