I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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