im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there was a trapeze. enough said
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
