I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
