Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Randomize
