paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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