3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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