I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
