The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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