Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
