I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
