We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
