I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
