i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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