I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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