i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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