i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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