why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
