So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
