Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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