I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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