ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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