I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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