I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
