you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
