He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
