home. puking in laundry basket.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
