Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize