3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
