im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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