i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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