the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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