I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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