you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
