The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize