Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm passing your future prison.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
