I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize