Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
