She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
