Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize